Amaar Office Para

Na..dalhousie-r jam noy, sector 5 er shuttle noy ba chowringhee metro noy...amar offc para shohor theke besh khanikta doorey...oi je doorer rasta jekhane poth beke geche naam na jaana gramer pash die...jekhane sondheybelar hatey abdul majhi tar aloo potol er poshra nie boshey...jekhane dhankheter paash die boye geche ochena pukur...amar offc para akhon seikhane...

Roj shokale amar offc bus ey chepe jokhon golay bideshi multinational company r tag jhulie, chora rodey kalo choshma lagie jai...tokhon pother dudhare shohorer byastota janjot kichui nei...ache sudhu sudhu mile er por mile shobuj dhankhet...kolmi shaaaker bagan.. ar bohu doorey amar shohorer akashchoa bari...

Amder bus ey shobai amra ottyodhik shohurey...Gramer rastay dhuktei amra mukhey roomal chapa di...Gramer rasta, roddur, gramyo gondho...konokichutei amra obhostyo noi..Amader bus jokhon egie chole, ashe pasher rastar manushra koutoholi chokh nie takie thakey...jeno kono ak onnyo groho theke amra ashchi..amadero hab bhab o aki rokom..oder dike takie...kichu upekha, ghrina or doya makhano shobder byabohar amra saradini kori...

Shunechi oder chash er jomi tey naki gorey utheche amader shilponogori...oder naki ta pochondo noy...shohure babu ra bole "keno...opochonder ki ache...onek chakri peyeche amader doyay..." "employment er sujog korechi amra"..."aha ora ashole difference ta bujhte parche amader sathe oder--etai oder basic problem"

Shottyi hoyto difference gulo thekei jay oder ar amader jibone.. ey shobuj galche pata gram ey, kurey ghorer majhe, fata tirpol er gheratope ey--amar offc ta shottyi akta boro "difference"...parthokyo ta hoyto kichu bochor bade ar thakbena.. karon pichdhala ey rastar akey bakey gorey uthbe aro koto koto SEZ aro koto employment er sujog...sudhu akta difference thakbe...kolmi shaker bagan thakbena, thakbena kantatolar pukur parey kolshir bhir, thakbena sondheybelar gondho...jhijhi pokar daak. Shohorer hawa boibe tokhon.

Shuru hobe dalhousie er jam, sector 5 er shuttle ar office parar bhir...tobey totodine hoyto amader onek kichui aro doorey shorey jabe...
"amader choto nodi choley akey bakey
baisakh maashey taar hatujol thakey..
---
chikchik korey bali kotha nai kada
akdharey kashbon fooley fooley sada
kichimichi kore setha shalik er jhaank
ratey othey theke theke sheyal er haak"

Of hurt, pretense and cowardice

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

Often people don't realize that amidst a friendly banter or harmless humor they end up hurting someone...Often they don't realize, because the person who is worst affected still maintains the picture perfect smile, still pretends and still adds to that banter though deep down inside they are bruised...What makes us stop? Why don't we just scream out and say "Enough, I can't take this anymore"...We don't...We come back to our own comfort zone, crib , crticize, cry and again get back to our lives...

Why can't we say "Please I cant take it anymore" ..may be we have the fear of getting ridiculed if we raise our voice... We can't say 'Enough' because the person on the other side might be going through a rough patch and you have to always think about the other person...

Its nobody's fault...Its my fault..The problem lies with me... I end up getting hurt easily may be...So carry on folks...make fun...you can laugh, get cynical and criticize , I promise I will always participate in your unintentional ideas of hurting me even though I hate it...and trust me I will never bounce back...I'm a coward.

There are days when you look back...when you look back and realize the importance of someone who is no more a part of your life ...even if you want to, you can't really get back to that person... even if you wish to wipe away all the confusions...all you are left with is just a few thoughts and memories...

You wish if you could go back in time and treasure those moments forever... You end up flipping through the pages of time, pondering over each little word, the thoughts, the memories...They never come back...they still exist somewhere but they are not a part of your life anymore... They chose to ignore you...they forget about your existence in their lives...you don't matter to them anymore...
All you are left with is a strange silence and an everlasting vaccum that leads to that empty space in your life...You keep on asking yourself... will it ever come back...the answer is always negative, but still you wish to look back....

"How I wish, how I wish you were here

We're just two lost souls

Swimming in a fish bowl,

Year after year,Running over the same old ground.

What have we found...The same old fears.Wish you were here"

And you keep on moving...and you accept that they will never come back...yet somewhere deep down you just desperately want them back..

This is for all of you who chose to move away--- I miss you...I wish you were here...

As long as my cellphone's switched on, I expect...I expect they will call, I expect they will have the time to speak...I expect they will make me happy, I expect I will get the solace...i will share, i will listen....This fucking gizmo is making me one hell of a dependant bitch...I need to be happy on my own...

I will be happy...and no one else, but I will make myself happy...

About Me

And every Facebook or Orkut or watever XYZ site has a About Me section...I have seen people fill in this space with hundreds of poems, quotes, oneliners, funny messages and deep and soulful sissy lines...

How do people know so much about themselves...how are they so sure that they are confident or arrogant, negative or positive,selfish or selfless?

I have never really bothered to know myself..I have spent hours discussing other people, gossips, issues, sympathies, envious sighs...but when it comes to me I don't know myself at all...What are the things that makes me the me I am...I don't know..I may be arrogant sometimes, and sometimes a chicken, I may be confident while taking an escalator but scared to press a button inside the elevator...People call me jovial...'mishukey' is the term they use...but to tell you the truth...when I'm scared I speak loads...I'm scared to meet new people or talk to strangers... I don't have the slightest bit of confidence...public speaking makes me all the more nervous...(my boardroom presence is the worst)

I cry easily...I'm emotional...but then not always...there are times when I should be crying but then I dont...and vice versa...Right now..as I write this post I feel I'll break down...but then I'm not crying...I'm just listening to music and scribbling on this white space endlessly...

Crowds scare me..my parents said that during my adolescence, I was so scared, I used to run away from my house, hide in the terrace whenever a group of relatives, or any groups came to our place...I'm still scared to speak...I'll think a thousand times before asking someone.."Whats the time"...But well I hardly let people know about that... Take me to a new place, and I will be be the first one to make friends...Though each word comes out of my mouth is a desperate attempt to bring me out of my inconfidence...

I'm negative as a person and positive at the same time...I like to believe this will work..But then I don't like to be that positive, so that it wont hurt me...it really hurts me when something turns out not the way i expected...then I just console myself saying ...i knew this wont work...though i badly wanted it!

I'm a hypocrite..I'm pretentious...I can pretend and make you feel you're really the best...but I can just turn my back and bitch about you at the same time..I have all signs of a hypocrite...I can't keep secrets if they have the potential of becoming the juiciest gossip of town...

I'm totally in love with myself...I cannot think beyond me..Though I can never express that...I get a strange kind of happiness when I can make someone happy...it makes me happy...and when people are all in praises about me...i just love that...I don't know I always expect to be the centre of attention...I'm an attention seeker...i want all eyes on me! but scared to declare that! may be thats the reason i blog...

There are so many things which are so complicated about me...I hate so many things in life..but when it comes to Facebook/Orkut, I just mention body odour and snobbery....I hate so many things...I hate people who are practical, who are mature and boldly declare themselves to be the epitome of these two qualities.... i dont like too much of straight forward people..whats the use of so 'on the face' stuff if that hurts someone.....i hate people who ignore me...i love something more than photography, ice creams and music... i love to be wanted by everyone... i want attention...in my bedroom you will not only find my bed but my thoughts, my messed up bed and me...

there are more than 5000000 things i cant live without...i really have no clue what i cant live without...i can live without business news channels may be, i can live without hardware shops, i can live without strawberries and baby corn in the traffic jam...i can live without ministers, elections, i can live without furniture shops...and so on...and i can live without fake emotions!

I cant live without so many things...

I love to live on self pity...brood over my loneliness, create sad stories out of it and post it as sulk saga on my blog...i cant live without comments on my blog...

and still you want to know more about me...then keep checking my blog for more details.

Careless Confessions

I changed the name of my blog to Careless Confessions. Raindrops was a name which I coined up just like that...it hardly had any meaning...just out of the blue.. then I started a blog named careless confessions, but I was so in love with my 'Raindrops' that I stopped it midway... I have finally named my blog Careless Confessions...Though raindrops still remains a part of it...

Why Careless Confessions?

Is it possible to express everytime? Why do people expect me to express ? I think this is a disease...I cannot express ...I don't have enough words which will make me express...It seems I'm always short of words...always searching for the right words... I always end up dragging a burden of unspoken feelings , of silent nights and wet pillow covers...but I have failed...failed to exress...

Careless Confessions...is not just a blog...it means expressing 'Me'...I want the world to know 'Me'... I think someday someone will read this blog...and get to know...the real me...I call it careless confessions...each confession a part of my life...a part of my unspoken feelings, unseen smiles, unnoticed teardrops...I cherish them every moment...hope you will have the same feeling when you go through my blog...And if you don't, I dont care!

Journey of X

X is back to her workplace after a long time...X falters while taking the steps inside the highrise, may be its the slip ons...X looks around...familiar faces, indifferent expressions and usual pace...X wants to shout..."Look at me, I'm back"... X cannot...

X enters the elevator...X looks at the specky tagged guy and says "Excuse Me, Y floor please"...X ends up on floor Y...The same color, the same posters, unfamiliar security guard and familiar smell of room freshners...

X walks towards the same old door, swipes the card but the door doesn't open...through the transparent glass door, X looks at the cubicle, someone else sits there...the cubicle still has all the stuff.. ..the terracota mask, the clay dolls, the painting, the desk calendar, diary, scribbles all over, paper planes they made on one idle afternoon, the white floral boquet that came for a friend, the stick ons, X's blue bottle which often got lost...

X looks at them...yes they were there, having fun, throwing paper and calling names...they surely missed X ... X desperately swipes her card again...the door is still locked, it does not open...

X has every little moment etched on her mind about that room, her chair, her cluttered desk, the people who were not just team members, the time they spent, the pranks, the gossips, the giggles, smiles, and the tears, the anxious calls, the celebrations, the failures....At the end of each day X used to look beyond the the huge glass windows in that room that opened out to a vast green expanse bordered by the blue sky on the horizon...

X does not have 'access' to that room anymore...X lost the access to that room, to the moments, to the little treasures, and 'them' who X called friends...X takes a look from behind the closed glass doors... they do not allow trespassing...X is just an outsider right now...X does not belong to the place anymore...

X walks down the corridor...doesn't look back...gets back to her new seat.....sends out the mail..."chocolates at X's desk"...theres suddenly a rush...people run for the chocolates and occasionally stop by formally asking X "Ki kemon laglo", "How was your trip", "How does it feel to leave your husband and come back" , "how will you live, you poor soul, without him..", "Why don't you go back"...X smiles and then they leave... X walks towards her seat, leaving them alone to bitch about her which is the inevitable part of their conversations...

X sits alone...alone...no one to talk, no one to ask, no one with questions, no one with prank plans... no one who will just pat X and say "Ki re aj eto chupchaap...kichu hoeche"...no one needs to know how X feels, what X went through...

X will miss them... X will miss a lot of things... X will get used to her new life and to the busy professionals in this part of the world...X will surely become 'Formal' and 'Professional' some day...X will not make friends, X will only have team members...

X is back....X realized that X has lost a lot of things during her journey....X scribbles again...X gets used to the new cubicle, new seat, new people ....people call her X here...no more paper planes but documents on her desk... a new journey begins for X....Hope someday X will reach her destination...